


A Tale of Two Egomaniacs

by Coyote Grins (Inksinger)



Category: Warcraft - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Cracktoberfest 2018, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, Sexual Humor, Warcraft Hellions, shameless self-promotion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-22
Updated: 2018-10-22
Packaged: 2019-08-05 19:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16373816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inksinger/pseuds/Coyote%20Grins
Summary: My entry for the Cracktoberfest 2018 event hosted by Warcraft Hell. Each participant was assigned a randomized pairing.This was mine.Mild spoilers ahead for Little Fire-Light.





	A Tale of Two Egomaniacs

Archmage and Master Spellcrafter Wilfred Fizzlebang was quite far indeed from a _simple_ gnome. There was nothing at all simple about him - not his clothes, not his mind, and especially not his considerable magical prowess. He enjoyed only the richest and most exquisite of all things in life, in stark contrast to the more mechanically-minded members of his humble race. It was only his due, after all; one as talented and destined for glory as he deserved only the very best, and not an iota less than that.

Which was, he supposed, the primary motivation behind his decision to humor the high elven archmage who came knocking on his door in the wee hours of the early morning, when most of the city still slept, lazy scoundrels that they were. Wilfred himself had of course already been wide awake, and had just finished his morning ablutions when the chiming of many small, incorporeal bells sounded through his parlor to herald the arrival of a visitor on his porch; these had been soon followed by a quick, gentle rapping of knuckles upon the bespelled oaken door.

“Just a moment!” Wilfred called, moving as quickly as he could as he crossed through his lodgings. Though he couldn't imagine who might come calling at such an hour of the day, he had been all too happy to assist together it was with whatever magical quandary they may have for him.

Happy, yes… but hardly _prepared_ for the sight that confronted him when he had at last swept the door open with a welcoming, yet subtly intimidating flourish.

“Greetings! How may Wilfred Fizzlebang, Master Spellcrafter, help… you?”

His greeting had died in the air before him, taking all his usual pomp and flair with it as he stared up - quite far up, in fact - into the gleaming cerulean eyes of his _most_ unexpected visitor.

“Archmage Fizzlebang, good morning.” So spoke none other than Kael'thas Sunstrider - Archmage of Dalaran and _Crown Prince_ of the Kingdom of Quel'Thalas.

Though they were of course both very prestigious magi, Kael'thas was one of the elite few who had proven themselves beyond even Wilfred Fizzlebang in skill and power, and perhaps because of this dichotomy the two had never precisely spoken beyond an exchange of greetings on the odd occasion that they passed each other within the halls of Dalaran's illustrious schools and libraries. There were whispers that Kael'thas might perhaps even be counted among the shadowy Council of Six, though Wilfred had his doubts. The elven prince may be quite knowledgeable, and he may be filled to bursting with an abundance of magical talent even by the standards of the high elves in their arcana-saturated kingdom, but he seemed to Wilfred to be full of youthful impetuousity, far more inclined to preen and gather crowds of doe-eyed young magi about him than to work at increasing his already immeasurable power and thus remain at the top of his chosen field.

All the same, Wilfred was not personally acquainted with a great many princes, for all he was quite famous here among the citizens of Dalaran. Neither was he so ignorant that he couldn't see the many benefits to be reaped from such an esteemed connection, even one with a foreign prince - though, of course, one would have to be blind, deaf, and half-braindead besides to fail to understand the glorious opportunities and resources available to any friends of a royal family.

And if that royal friend just so happened to rule a kingdom brimming with magic and magi - well, any fool could understand the benefit to _that._

“I hope this isn't a bad time,” Kael'thas continued, apparently unaware of the thoughts racing about in Wilfred’s clever mind. “I seem to be stuck with a bit of a quandary, and thought perhaps that you might be able to offer some wisdom on the matter.”

A younger, more foolhardy gnome might have given a great cry of glee, or stammered some long string of humbly-worded boasts, or perhaps danced about from foot to foot in eager anticipation - but Wilfred Fizzlebang was no young fool. He had treated with the greatest minds of Azeroth for many, many years, and knew how to conduct himself properly even during times of great personal success.

(Besides all that, elves struck him as a flighty sort, willowy and easily dismayed by the more honest antics of the younger races. It must be quite a blow to Kael'thas’ ego to have come seeking a gnome for assistance; the very last thing Wilfred wanted was to chase the prince away with an overabundance of emotion, least of all when they stood so close to what promised to be a truly prosperous partnership.)

“Of course,” Wilfred said instead, mustering all the genteel a gnome could express and stepping aside to welcome the elven prince into his apartment. “I would be delighted to offer whatever insight I may, Prince Kael'thas.”

“Just Kael, if you would,” Kael'thas requested, though he stepped readily inside, ducking a bit to keep from hitting his head on the low ceiling as Wilfred closed the door behind him.

“Kael?” Wilfred repeated, chuckling a bit in amusement. “How charmingly simplistic!”

“Yes,” Kael agreed, fighting the urge to raise one long, immaculately sculpted eyebrow as he allowed the gnome to scurry ahead of him through the parlor. He had heard Archmage Fizzlebang could be rather full of himself, even for a gnome, but it would appear even the most reliable gossips had only been able to capture a fraction of the truth.

Even so, it was nothing the elven prince was incapable of handling, and certainly nothing _new,_ where members of the younger races were concerned. It seemed a shorter lifespan brought with it an increased sense of entitlement - but no matter. Kael'thas had treated with quel'dorei every bit as preening and self-assured as young Fizzlebang; he knew how best to handle such impudence without offending his little host in turn.

“Please, take a seat,” Fizzlebang invited. “Can I get you anything? Tea? Biscuits?”

Kael held up one long-nailed hand and gracefully lowered himself into the nearest chair. “I'm quite fine, thank you,” he said with a smile. “I only meant to ask your advice; I would hate to inconvenience you unnecessarily.”

Fizzlebang chortled again, shaking his head in a manner that indicated he found Kael'thas’ behavior endearing. Kael smiled, then raised his hand to rub idly at his jawline - and to hide his gritted teeth from Fizzlebang's view as the gnome scrambled into a chair across the table from him.

“Very well,” Fizzlebang said once he had settled in. “Now then: About this little quandary of yours. What is it that's managed to stump so learned an archmage as yourself, Prince Kael'thas?”

Ah - so the gnome was going to ignore his request that he be addressed by less formal terms. Kael let his eyes narrow infinitesimally and allowed himself a small, razor-thin smile before dropping his hands to the tabletop in front of him. He truly _had_ come seeking advice; losing his temper and pitching Archmage Fizzlebang through a portal that opened up on the edge of a sheer cliff would be… counterproductive.

“Ah - it involves one of the new students at the College, as it turns out. One Fay Rederric.” Kael's tone grew slow and soft of its own accord as he recalled the mousy, desperately unhappy young human girl. Between his own handful of observations and the gentle gossip of her friends among the smaller cafes and craft stores of Dalaran, it was clear that Fay had a great deal of talent - and an utterly crippling fear of magic.Kael'thas

Kael'thas had been toying with the idea of taking the girl on as his apprentice for a few weeks now, but his most recent encounter with her had all but cemented the decision for him. The utter lack of proper training she had thus far received, paired with her instinctive preference for fire magic and unwillingness to actually _call_ upon it until she was well and truly backed into a corner, made her a dangerously unpredictable element, and her apparent difficulty in getting along with the other apprentices would only serve to worsen the matter further.

Fay required a mentor who knew how best to shape a mage with innate pyromancy and a short fuse, and Kael'thas could certainly boast that much, at least. The only true obstacle lay in the simple fact of his utter deficit of experience as a mentor. Though he had given numerous lectures and demonstrations to countless study groups, Kael'thas had never taken on an apprentice of his own, and had only worked one-on-one with younger magi as an instructor on a very sparse handful of occasions. The prospect of working long-term to mold such raw talent into a composed, respectable young mage was admittedly rather daunting, and Kael'thas had ultimately been forced to admit defeat.

He could have asked anyone else for advice, of course - each of the other members of the Council of Six had taken at least one apprentice in their lifetime, as had many other archmagi - but approaching Fizzlebang presented a unique chance to broaden Kael's experience in more than just the fine art of teaching, particularly since Fizzlebang was known to be insatiably curious in his own right. The gnome’s ceaseless pursuit of knowledge made him a prime target for Kael's more morally questionable purpose, and his bloated, easily stroked ego would hopefully make him quite amenable once Kael'thas finally broached the subject.

As it was, Fizzlebang's beady little eyes were gleaming with fascination as he leaned forward across the table. Surely this would be an easy endeavor all around.

“The name isn't familiar, I'm afraid,” the gnome said. “I'm afraid I haven't been very impressed with the quality of this year's students - though it would seem your eyes were sharper than mine,” he added in a hurried attempt at magnanimity.

Kael smiled, though now he was fighting not to laugh at Fizzlebang's utter ineptitude as a diplomat as he leaned forward and began to explain the complex issue that was young Fay Rederric. He sorely hoped that the gnome didn't think he was doing _well,_ bumbling as he was.

Still, once it came down to actually offering advice, Fizzlebang proved himself capable of careful - nay, _calculating_ \- consideration, and ultimately Kael was pleasantly surprised not only to find that Fizzlebang was genuinely listening to his description of Fay's abilities and apparent personality, but also that the advice he offered was thoughtfully given and seemed well tailored to the matter of instructing such a reluctant apprentice. By the end of their conversation, Kael'thas was convinced he would have no real difficulty mentoring the young woman so long as he kept in mind the advice of Archmage Fizzlebang.

“Thank you,” Kael'thas finally said, and he was surprised to realize he meant it - he _was_ very grateful. It made paying the gnome an abundance of lip service easier to successfully pull off. “Truly, Archmage Fizzlebang, I am indebted to you.”

Wilfred felt himself swell to bursting with pride at the prince's words, and this time he permitted himself a great, beaming smile as he said, “Truly, the pleasure is all mine, Prince Kael'thas. I am always happy to assist my fellow magi.”

The lights of Kael'thas’ gleaming eyes seemed to flare for a moment at that, and something in the prince's expression suddenly grew sharply predatory.

“Speaking of pleasure,” Kael'thas ventured, his voice smooth and thoughtful, “There was another matter I hoped to discuss with you, Archmage Fizzlebang.”

Wilfred looked up, his expertly coiffed moustache twitching as he pursed his lips curiously. Though he couldn't deny the flash of gratification that swept through him to know that the elven prince was so willing to seek his further assistance, something about the sudden diplomatic neutrality in Kael'thas’ bearing suggested to Wilfred that whatever else the prince wished to discuss would be something quite a good deal different from the matter of taking on a young, painfully insecure apprentice.

“Do go on,” Wilfred urged. “I would be most pleased to assist you, Prince Kael'thas.”

“I had hoped so, yes,” Kael replied. “But you see, the matter is… ah… rather sensitive. Far more so than the issue of Fay's tutelage - and far more personal, as well.”

“Oh?” Wilfred frowned, leaning forward again as his interest rose. “And what is the nature of this… personal matter? If I might ask,” he added quickly.

“Academic, first and foremost,” Kael'thas answered. “Though I would prefer to resolve it… physically.”

The elven prince looked down for a moment, then glanced back up with a flutter of his long eyelashes - and Wilfred felt his mouth hip suddenly dry. Could Kael'thas - _Prince_ Kael'thas, only heir to a large, powerful, magically inundated kingdom - truly be suggesting…?

“I'm… ah, not sure I follow,” he finally managed to choke out.

Kael'thas smiled winningly down at him. It was striking, Wilfred thought, how utterly dazzling the man could be when he wasn't stiff and formal. Certainly, he was ethereal as a role, but now…

“I'm sure you've heard the rumors seething through Dalaran regarding my… extracurricular activities,” Kael'thas says with a slight, dismissive wave of one hand.

Wilfred nodded mutely, concerned that if he opened his mouth he might say something truly foolish. He most certainly _had_ heard the rumors: That Prince Kael'thas Sunstrider was an irredeemable flirt and playboy, willing to take anything and anyone to bed who had a paddle and was reasonably attractive in appearance. Wilfred couldn't imagine what that might have to do with _him,_ however.

“While the gossips do tend to exaggerate, there is a modicum of truth at the core of their mutterings,” Kael'thas continued, again apparently having failed to notice the rapid rise and fall of Wilfred’s laryngeal prominence as he tried desperately to keep his throat from drying out entirely. “I certainly don't take just _anyone_ to my bed, nor is canoodling all I do with my spare time.”

He looked expectantly at Wilfred, who in turn barely managed to keep his voice from breaking as he said, “Of course not.”

“That said, however, I _am_ quite clearly more… open in my pursuits than most others here in Dalaran.” Kael'thas was smiling again, apparently mollified by Wilfred’s quick recovery. “Certainly, the subject of carnal pleasure is treated as sacrosanct among my own people, but it is also embraced in an easier, more positive light then even so cosmopolitan a city as this - I suppose that makes me a product of my upbringing, hm?”

Again he paused and looked at Wilfred, but this time it was easier for the gnomish archmage to respond appropriately.

“Are you propositioning me, Prince Kael'thas?” Wilfred asked with a delighted peal of laughter.

“I am indeed, Archmage Fizzlebang,” Kael'thas responded smoothly. “I'm a curious man by nature, with which I'm sure such an accomplished man as yourself can empathize. What trysts I _have_ indulged in have been largely in the name of discovery.” He chuckled, leaning forward and crossing his hands before him on the table as he fixed Wilfred with a startlingly sheepish look. “I don't know that there is any delicate way to put this, Fizzlebang, but I confess: I have never had the opportunity to lie with a gnomish partner.”

Wilfred's heart leapt into his throat. He couldn't deny that he certainly found Kael'thas _attractive_ \- far beyond the political, financial, and academic influence the man held by nature of his titles and lineage, Kael'thas was (if the local rumor mill was to be believed) the epitome of elvish manhood, cool and otherworldly at his most regal, and charming and faelike at his most relaxed. But Wilfred had never played with the idea of _bedding_ the man. It was not that he felt Kael'thas was too far beyond his realm which held Wilfred back, and neither were the facts of Kael'thas’ maleness or elfishness to blame. The thought had simply never occurred to him until this very moment.

Now that the possibility lay before him as a very real and freely offered opportunity, Wilfred found himself positively _exuberant,_ to say the very least.

Kael'thas smiled to himself as he watched Fizzlebang struggle for composure. The gnome's answer was written clearly all across his features - but Kael supposed he could be polite and let the poor man speak for himself. He wasn't interested in forcing anything along, after all. If he was, he would have simply cast a charm on Fizzlebang and been done with it.

“I must confess,” Fizzlebang said slowly, “your offer does surprise me, Pri-- Kael.” His ears, already brilliant red, somehow darkened even more in color. “Though it is… quite an intriguing offer.”

“Indeed?” Kael'thas asked, leaning closer and letting his gaze grow heavy-lidded. “I don't wish to pursue you into anything, Archmage. You need only say the word, and I would drop the matter altogether.”

“Wh-why me?” Fizzlebang squeaked. “The are other gnomes about, surely you could… ah, that is to say… hmm…”

“True, I could ask another,” Kael admitted blithely. “I'm sure some young, inexperienced apprentice would positively fall over herself for the chance to lie with elvish royalty.”

He waited for a moment, watching as Fizzlebang seemed to suffer through a mild stroke before smiling and holding up a hand to forestall the gnome's frantic reply.

“I'm not interested in a young, inexperienced gnome,” Kael'thas said. “If I'm to experiment, I would prefer to do so with a more mature partner - one with the wisdom and discretion necessary to keep our dealings safely secret. It wouldn't do to give the town gossips any more ammunition, after all.”

Fizzlebang visibly swelled with vanity as Kael's meaning registered with him, and for all his earlier gratitude and rising anticipation Kael found himself steadily dismayed by how very _easy_ it was to convince the gnome to indulge him. True, he couldn't trust a younger gnome to keep their mouth shut for a second - but at least he might have to actually work at convincing a younger gnome to sleep with him. This was nearly embarrassing in its simplicity.

“Yes,” Fizzlebang finally said once the color and faded somewhat from his pudgy little cheeks. “Yes, you're most correct. This would be to be very discreet, lest we both come under accusations of sleeping our way to greater success.”

Kael only barely managed to keep his indignation from coloring his expression, though he knew from prior experience that it caused his eyes to flare all the same, as heightened emotion tended to with all whose magical ability burned as intensely as it did in the quel'dorei.

Fizzlebang noticed and correctly interpreted the flare, and raised his hands in a placating gesture as he said, “Not least because it simply isn't true, of course. Neither of us _needs_ any greater success, naturally, and even if we did, we two are men of greater honor than to _lie back_ for it.”

“Indeed,” Kael'thas said, striving to sound more mollified than he felt by the utterly ridiculous comparison Fizzlebang presumed to make between them. “This would only be for academic purposes - a mutually educational diversion, at most.”

“Naturally, naturally,” Fizzlebang said, evidently eager to agree with anything Kael said now in order to make up for his earlier insult. “Still, it's an educational endeavor I confess I'm quite eager to partake in. With that in mind - the sooner the better, wouldn't you agree?”

Finally. Kael'thas had begun to wonder if Fizzlebang would ever come out and simply speak the agreement already something in the lines of his little body.

“Absolutely,” Kael said aloud, smiling warmly once again as he rose smoothly to his feet before turning and heading towards the door. “I must be off for now - I've an apprentice to collect this morning. Shall I send word later with the details of our next rendezvous, or--?”

“Tonight,” Fizzlebang squawked as he scrambled to follow him. Kael slowed a bit, allowing the gnome to catch up as he added, “Provided, of course, that you haven't any prior arrangements - my evening is open, and we could meet here, and at your apartments, or--”

Kael'thas turned to offer Fizzlebang a final, dazzling smile, deftly flipping his hair over his shoulder in the process.

“Tonight, then, Master Fizzlebang” he murmured. “Here, if you wouldn't mind - say, around midnight?”

Fizzlebang appeared to swallow several times, his mouth gaping like the maw of a beached fish as he stared up at Kael'thas. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and ever so slightly strangled.

“Of… course,” the gnome murmured.

“Wonderful,” Kael said. “Then I do believe we have ourselves a date. I look forward to our… experimentation.”

“As… as do I,” the gnome stammered. “Good n-- ah, good morning, that is, Prince Kael'thas.”

Kael grinned, but was gracious enough to turn away and wait to hear the door close before he allowed himself a chuckle at the gnome’s expense.


End file.
